It’s been a long time since I’ve shared anything of substance. Not just on this site, but in general with people. Life has become so crazy that leaving my house doesn’t even sound appealing most days. I’m a bit out of touch with who I once was, matter of fact I think I lost her.
See, I went through all these phases on the path to self awareness and personal growth. I thought if I could master myself I might master my fate. Discover all the secrets of the universe and exist beyond this limited ride we call life. Along the way I swear I learned to disassociate myself. I don’t know how I feel about that though.
I suppose I feel numb. Calm, but numb. It’s by design mostly. Slowly taking in the world around me to see if I can make sense of things and bend fortune in my favor. A background observer who knows a lot and shares little. Silently planning, hoping that I’ll have the guts to take risks and put things in motion. All the while I feel lost. Not about myself, but because I can’t relate to those around me anymore.
Have I become someone new? Will I feel something again soon? Not sure if I want to because feelings give me anxiety. They also make life rewarding so it’s time to leave this cocoon I’ve built around me of bubble wrap and static.
I’ll start with some love. There’s this inner bad bitch dying to make a come back. She has grown a bit wiser, so let’s give her a chance this go round.
Ripple effects, that’s what I’ll do. Focus on moments in the human experience where I can spread lovely moments of joy. Sounds about right. I’ll find her again.